A Touching Letter
Today, I want to reach out in favour of the language of touch,
because touch is a language most of us aren’t taught,
because touch is a rich and juicy land with enormous variety and depth,
because touch can communicate things that words can’t,
because touch brings us into the present moment,
gives our head a break,
and can feel so very good.
I’m reaching out to all those bodies – female, male and queer-gender, young and old – who are deprived of a language that is our primary form of communication: affectionate touch.
Human affection isn’t just a sentimental idea—it’s hardwired into our biology. Studies show that physical touch and emotional closeness trigger the release of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone.” This chemical strengthens trust, reduces stress, and even supports physical healing.
I’m remembering the words of a client about a friend:
‘I really would like to… I wished I could just give her a massage-gift certificate and say, ‘Here, go, let yourself be touched, feel what it’s like that you’re lovable.’
This friend suffered from depression and from life-long mishap in relation with men. The gift-certificate ended up in the trash; in spite of her longing, big words and obsession, (according to this client) receiving a massage was too big a step, and even knowing about the possibility of exploring little steps – it was too scary.
There’s a long list of reasons that cause affection-poverty in people’s life – some blame our modern life driven by technology, speed and self-sufficiency.
And stress, of course, is sex enemy number one.
Non of those things help, but did we do so much better in the past?
I’ve worked with people who were married for 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years and lived without physical intimacy, affection, barely a cuddle, for decades. I remember one client in particular – married for nearly forty years, grown children – he had never seen his wife naked.
Personally, I feel that the issue is more complicated, that sexuality only since recently is seen as a gift to be explored in all its complexity.
And one aspect of it: Touch.
But we can do something about it!
And we don’t need anyone else for it.
Imagine you find yourself wishing for a moment of break from your daily pressure,
and you wish to give your mind a break, even for three or five minutes only.
Let your body help!
Send Yourself a Touching Letter
You can do it with your clothes on, or clothes off, at any time and place. Though not while driving!
Here you go:
- Sit down or (ideally) lie down comfortably (maybe before falling asleep, or after waking).
- Close your eyes.
- Take in a deep breath and sigh out.
- Think, ‘My dear body, I want to feel you, really feel you.’ (or something that you choose as your intention).
- Now, take a moment to scan your body. There is a spot or area, somewhere, that would like to feel your hands.
- Ask, ‘Dear body, where would you like to feel my hands?’ (like, on top of your chest or belly, on your face, neck, hip or anywhere).
- Place your hands there.
- Hold your hands still, while you follow your breath as it flows to your hands and that area.
- For a few minutes, just feel, just be.
Your hands on the outside, your breath on the inside.
You and your body.
Your body and you. - Until you’re ready to open your eyes and continue with your life.
With this, you’re sending a Touching Letter to that spot or area of your body.
Maybe it even says: You are lovable.
Maybe, with the coming and going of your breath to that spot/area, you repeat silently: You-are- lovable. Or whichever words resonate for you.
It’s the simple, small moments of interruption of your ever-going stream of action and thought, that give your nervous system the opportunity to reset itself, to remember that there is more to life than to-do lists.
And your body – hey! Is smiling!